A
Armed Forces-In the 15th and 16th centuries, the Portuguese army and navy could easily attack any point of the globe with good probabilities of success. Nowadays, they can't even invade their own backyard. It is said that Spain could reach Lisbon in half an hour if they decided to invade us but still, Portuguese military authorities insist on spending large amounts of money to upgrade our army, navy and air force with the latest technological improvements straight from the Vietnam war. As I write these lines, the Defense ministery is planning to buy three submarines using funds that could build a hospital, a theatre and a public library in every city, town or village. But of course, we need them... Imagine the kingdom of Morocco decides to invade us.
B
Beaches-Our greatest riches, some say. Hell on Earth say others. The truth is that Portuguese beaches can be quite pleasant with their golden sand and blue-greenish tepid water. And they could be even more pleasant without the dogs and hyperactive children running around, without the traditional families having lunch (complete with tableware, pots and pans and the innevitable bottle of red wine), without the overweight lifeguards and, above all things, without the UFO (Unidentified Floating Objects) you see all the time. The tourists don't seem to mind, though.
C
Catholicism-The religion of the vast majority of Portuguese or so they say. The truth is we have our own religion here. It's called "non-practicant catholicism", meaning people don't go to church, don't pray, don't even pay much attention to God, His Son and other relatives but they still say they're catholics, because it would sound awkward if they didn't (what would their friends think?). They add the "non-practicant" bit to excuse the fact that they don't give a rat's behind about religion. Still, the catholic church still holds a great deal of influence in Portugal, when they manage to get people to take them seriously.
D
Diet-I mean precisely what you think I mean. The Portuguese need a diet. We are a fat people. Of course we are not as fat as americans (I apologise to any Americans that might be reading this but it is a fact, just look down at your stomachs). And all because we have such nice food. We may not have much but we do know how to lay the table in a manner that will leave you with a watering mouth for the following 3.5 years. And believe it or not, it's not all about fish. We have other things too. Seafood, for instance.
E
Emigration-Only two creatures in the world live in more places than the Portuguese: rats and roaches. There isn't one country in the world that doesn't have, at least, one Portuguese immigrant. It's almost part of our genes to feel inclined to leave our country. Not that we don't like it. We do. But not to live in. There are a lot of countries out there with better life quality than ours... and better health care system... and better salaries... and better jobs... and... well, let's not go there. It is my strong belief that, when mankind reaches Mars, there will be a Portuguese man selling sardine-flavoured popcorn to the astronauts.
F
Football, Fátima and Fado-The three magical F's in Portugal. Football is the most popular sport and one that drives thousands of people to crowded stadiums to cheer for their favourite teams and call the referee unpleasant names, and glues millions of others to the TV screens to watch the same thing in the confort of their homes. We're quite good at it. As a matter of fact, we have some of the best teams in the world. The only problem is that the players sometimes disagree. Fátima is our best amusement park and Fado is our national song (if you don't know what it is, picture a woman dressed in black screaming like someone just pulled her toes out with a pair of pliers.
G
Government-Yes, we have one of these too. We must. Otherwise it would be chaotic. This way, it's just silly. If you ever dreamt of ruling Portugal (I don't know why), there's something you have to keep in mind. Be an idiot. Be a big idiot. The biggest idiot you can possibly be. In many centuries of history, all our rulers have been idiots. So now you know...
H
History-It is customary to say that Portuguese live in the past. Well, that just isn't true. We don't live in the past and for one simple reason. We can't. We would if we could but we are forced to live in the present. In the past, we would probably still be unhappy but at least we were important. That's always nice.
I
Independence-What? Oh, we don't care about that anymore. Let others decide for us about our lives. We've been independent for too long, anyway.
J
Justice-When you visit Portugal, try not to get arrested. I'm serious. We have the slowest judicial system in the world. If you get a trial for drunk driving, you can expect from 4 to 6 years in jail, waiting for your big day. Of course, you can also spend 10 years in prison before the police decides you haven't done anything wrong. It was some guy who looked a lot like you.
K
Kilometer-Portugal is a small country. You don't need much time to get to know it reasonably well. So there's no excuse to spend all your Portuguese vacations in the Algarve. I'll tell you something that may get me in trouble for attempting against the tourism industry: the Algarve is the ugliest part of Portugal!
L
Literature-Portuguese don't read. I mean, very few Portuguese read. We have a lot of excellent writers and even a nobel prize winner but who cares? Bring on the sports newspapers.
M
Music-Same thing said above goes for music. We have excellent musicians... but do they show skin or sing about body parts and broken hearts? No. Too bad. We also have terrible "musicians" too, if we can call them that. They outnumber the good ones.
N
Neighbour-We only have one. Not many continental nations can say that. Spain is Portugal's only neighbouring country and we get along fine. In the past we spent centuries trying to invade, conquer, destroy and swallow each other but that's all gone. Now, they just fill our market with their products and block our rivers but we love them anyway.
O
Organisation-Another thing we need badly. Most of us don't even understand the concept. It is said that people like the british or the german are experts in organisation. The Portuguese are the exact opposite. If you ever see something that's supposed to be a line but has a bunch of people lying on top of each other on the floor, you can bet there is someone from Portugal in charge.
P
Pimba-This one is hard to explain. The word "pimba" isn't actually a word. It's a sound like "Boing", "Wooosh" or "Kablam" or some others taken from that Batman series from the 60's. It is also the name of a very bad song from a very bad musician called Emanuel. The lyrics are full of easy sexual innuendo and the music is as sophisticated as a mobile phone ringtone. The word "pimba" became a synonym for bad music and Emanuel was crowned king of pimba music. Pimba artists sell millions and make a fortune overnight. This way they can afford their cars, trendy wardrobes and bad hairdos. Nowadays, we also have pimba television, pimba literature, pimba cinema... you name it.
Q
Quality-In Portugal, we always try our best to achieve the utmost quality in all we do. (I am being sarcastic if you haven't guessed by looking at this website)
R
Racism-There is no such thing in Portugal. The Portuguese just aren't racist. Of course, some people sometimes make remarks about blacks or other races but that isn't racism at all. And most Portuguese dads would rather feed their daughters to a pack of wild dogs than having her marry a black man, but that's a different story.
S
Sex-There is no such thing in Portugal... oh sorry... this sentence was meant for the previous letter. Of course there is sex in Portugal like in any other country in the world apart from the Vatican (hmm... I wonder...) What more can I say about the subject? Well, the older generations try to ignore it and the younger generations just love to talk about it... and talk, and talk, and talk, and talk some more.
T
Traffic-If you are destined to die during a visit to Portugal, this is what is most likely to kill you. Take care when driving. Remember you are surrounded by wild animals working hard to make Portugal the country with the second largest number of deaths caused by traffic accidents in the entire world. And watch it while walking on the sidewalks too. As someone put it: "shit happens".
Tourism-The main income source in Portugal. We just love to see you "pale faces" coming down here and lying in the beach for an entire day, finding out later what a lobster feels when it's thrown into the pan. Or to see happy groups of people from Southampton, Lyon, Gothenburg or Düsseldorf feasting themselves on Portuguese wine and beer without realising that it's a bit stronger than what they're used to. They will realise that when they find themselves hanging from a flag pole with their underpants over their head and no other item of clothing on.
U
Underdevelopment-Extreme poverty, child labour, the highest rates of illiteracy in Europe... what do you call all that?
V
"Vai-se andando"-This is a very popular expression among the Portuguese and one that you will listen to over and over again. It means something like "we get along", that is "things are not that good but we have to live with it". You can't get more Portuguese than that. Once you master this national feeling of helplessness to change the current state of affairs, you will be one of us. Be proud. Be very proud.
W
Wealth-Being a poor country, we still have wealthy people. They keep our golf courses working outside the tourism season. We also have some plastic surgeons that need to make a living.
X
Xavier-(Give me a break, nothing starts with X)
Y
Youth-The young are the future of the world and also of Portugal. They have everything to change the world we live in... but prefer surfing around in the internet. It's more fun. Who am I to blame them?
Z
Zebra-An animal with black and white stripes that sort of looks like a horse. It lives in Africa. (You saw this coming, didn't you?)